Demons

Yesterday a good friend of mine shared a blog on her Facebook about a Dad struggling with being a recovering alcoholic. He was doing awesome and then out of no where his urge to drink hit him after 3 years sober! Well, this brought up a lot of things for me and thankfully she was there to "talk" it out with.

The demons aren't just those of an alcoholic, I know. I am the daughter of an alcoholic. Most people think of my step-dad as my Dad and don't realize I had another man in my life that "donated" his genetic material. My mom and him were married, so it wasn't a donation truly, but it was.

Truth is he drank and wanted his drink more than he cared about his family. He would have denied that statement was true to the very end, but us, his kids, & his wife knew better. My brother and I would sit and wait for him to show up and he never would. We would go years without knowing where he was and then he would suddenly show up though never for the important stuff like

There was a time when he didn't take us home when he should have. Essentially he had kidnapped us, but he left us with our uncle, his brother, who was only seven years older than us. Another time he climbed a two-story building drunk to see us in the middle of the night. I was little and I remember it vividly. Yet a different time that he went "golfing" with his brother and came back upset at him that he wanted to leave (we were staying there). He was drunk and his sister tried to stop him from taking us with him, so he pushed her up against a wall and started choking her. My brother grabbed the phone and dialed 911. When they answered he took the phone from him to hang it up. When it rang back, his sister told them that it was a mistake and her nephew was playing with the phone. Thankfully, he ended up leaving without us.

All of these events have turned into demons for me. I'm paranoid that someone is going climb up our two story house and try to get in, in the middle of the night. Which is why I refuse to allow any of our windows to be unlocked or opened at night. I watch my own husband like a hawk for signs of alcoholism because I don't want to continue the cycle. I don't have more than an occasional drink myself for fear that alcoholism is in my genetics.

These aren't the only demons I acquired from this. I cut this man out of my life when I was 18 years old. In just over a month from today it will have been 18 years since I cut him out. I haven't seen him except in a court room and the last time that was I was 21. It was the last time I saw him that sticks with me more than anything. "You're just like your mother, a greedy bitch." I am like my mother, but it wasn't greed that spurred that case against him, it was wanting better for her children. She was making sure that I could go through college by suing him to make him pay his 1/2 of my college education just like their divorce degree stated. I did it!

Now I've had to make a choice about my kids and whats best for them in regards to all this. My children will one day learn the truth of their mom's history, but that day won't before a while. For now my children will keep believing that my Dad (step-dad) is all there is. This is one that I second guess sometimes when I read things about how others kicked their habits, but I know deep down that its the correct decision. I'm also grateful for friends to listen to me and tell me to stop it!