Demons

Yesterday a good friend of mine shared a blog on her Facebook about a Dad struggling with being a recovering alcoholic. He was doing awesome and then out of no where his urge to drink hit him after 3 years sober! Well, this brought up a lot of things for me and thankfully she was there to "talk" it out with.

The demons aren't just those of an alcoholic, I know. I am the daughter of an alcoholic. Most people think of my step-dad as my Dad and don't realize I had another man in my life that "donated" his genetic material. My mom and him were married, so it wasn't a donation truly, but it was.

Truth is he drank and wanted his drink more than he cared about his family. He would have denied that statement was true to the very end, but us, his kids, & his wife knew better. My brother and I would sit and wait for him to show up and he never would. We would go years without knowing where he was and then he would suddenly show up though never for the important stuff like

There was a time when he didn't take us home when he should have. Essentially he had kidnapped us, but he left us with our uncle, his brother, who was only seven years older than us. Another time he climbed a two-story building drunk to see us in the middle of the night. I was little and I remember it vividly. Yet a different time that he went "golfing" with his brother and came back upset at him that he wanted to leave (we were staying there). He was drunk and his sister tried to stop him from taking us with him, so he pushed her up against a wall and started choking her. My brother grabbed the phone and dialed 911. When they answered he took the phone from him to hang it up. When it rang back, his sister told them that it was a mistake and her nephew was playing with the phone. Thankfully, he ended up leaving without us.

All of these events have turned into demons for me. I'm paranoid that someone is going climb up our two story house and try to get in, in the middle of the night. Which is why I refuse to allow any of our windows to be unlocked or opened at night. I watch my own husband like a hawk for signs of alcoholism because I don't want to continue the cycle. I don't have more than an occasional drink myself for fear that alcoholism is in my genetics.

These aren't the only demons I acquired from this. I cut this man out of my life when I was 18 years old. In just over a month from today it will have been 18 years since I cut him out. I haven't seen him except in a court room and the last time that was I was 21. It was the last time I saw him that sticks with me more than anything. "You're just like your mother, a greedy bitch." I am like my mother, but it wasn't greed that spurred that case against him, it was wanting better for her children. She was making sure that I could go through college by suing him to make him pay his 1/2 of my college education just like their divorce degree stated. I did it!

Now I've had to make a choice about my kids and whats best for them in regards to all this. My children will one day learn the truth of their mom's history, but that day won't before a while. For now my children will keep believing that my Dad (step-dad) is all there is. This is one that I second guess sometimes when I read things about how others kicked their habits, but I know deep down that its the correct decision. I'm also grateful for friends to listen to me and tell me to stop it!

Small Town Life

I'm sure a lot of you are wondering how does a girl from Chicago adapt to being in a small town? Why would you want to live in a small town?

Well, I adapted pretty well. Some would say I was a country girl born in the city. I hated the traffic and commotion that a city provides. Don't get me wrong, I love to go back to visit, but I don't ever want to live there again.

I made this decision to move to Iowa because it would be quieter, it would mean better schools for my kids and it would be safer. It was not a decision that I made lightly at all. It meant giving up having family nearby. It meant starting over. When I first moved it meant being alone 75% or more of the time because my husband traveled for work. When we had our first, it meant me being a single parent while he traveled with no real help until he was home. I made these sacrifices for the good of my family.

When we first moved to our small town 3 years ago, I was a stay at home mom with a 2 year old and pregnant.  We didn't really have many neighbors at the time either because our part of the development was new. I hardly knew anyone. It felt like I didn't belong, but that this was home.  Then last October (2014), I got a job and put my girls into daycare. I started meeting people from our town. Yet I still felt like there was this password to get accepted into mom groups or to become friends with the people of this small town. Truth is, its more about the kids and us parents making more of an effort to be a part of this community. Through my work, I was able to make these connections because my coworkers are at the high school games being athletic trainers or are doing rehab for someone who knows someone else and I'm the "gatekeeper" to them. Which is fine. I've made friends with many of these people. Some of the high school kids are working in the daycare that my kids go to. This town is finally feeling like home. It's nice.

We go to our town's yearly celebration in the third weekend in July. Last year, we knew our few neighbors. This year I got stopped to chat by the teenagers I see in my work and at the daycare, by our daycare teachers, by my daughter's tee-ball coach, by the parents of some of these teenagers, parents of my children's friends and yes even the newer neighbors in our development. I swear I couldn't walk more than a few feet without a "hi, how you doing?" It was great! This feeling of being part of something bigger and of having a "village" to help raise my kids, that's why I moved to this small town. It took a while, but it's home now. It will always be home.

I just wish I could move other towns (like the one my parents are in & the one my best friend of 25 + years is in) to be right next to mine because I miss them too much.

About me

Well, I guess I should start with a little background. I'm a 35 year old (almost 36) wife, mother, daughter, granddaughter, sister & friend. I'm devoted to the people who call me by these labels and would lay my life down for them if the need arises. I was born and raised in Chicago and its suburbs, but now I live in a small town in Iowa. Its not much different just not as crowded and its a little of a slower pace. It suits me just fine. Unfortunately, my family and friends are still back there.

I have some huge opinions that I probably don't express enough of. I expect a lot of people & sometimes my expectations maybe a little too much for some, but its nothing I don't expect of myself.

I have a life full of crazy with 2 big, goofy Labradors, 2 little girls I adore and a husband that may drive me insane every once in a while, but he is the best. You will probably hear a ton about my family later.

I was a stay at home mom for six years and then in October of 2014 I went back to work. I found a nice little job that allows me to leave my work at work and to take time when the kids are sick without worry of losing my job. One of the perks of my job is a gym membership. This has allowed me to begin to focus on getting healthy. 

This all makes for an awesome balancing act. So me days I get it right and others are a complete fail, or at least it seems, but everyday I am blessed.